Conspiracy Theory
by Idontknowwhatthatmeans32
Summary: One last chapter and now it's really over. What happens when Hodgins, Angela and then Cam find out that the squint squad exist only as characters in a tv show?
1. Chapter 1

The finale made me sad, but one day this idea popped into my head and made me laugh and think "I've been listening to Hodgins a little too much." So here it is. Hopefully it will make you laugh.

"I think someone's been trying to get rid of Zach." Hodgins swept into Angela's office like a kid who'd just been introduced to Lucky Charms. He roamed around, picking things up, turning them over in his hands, putting them down in different places.

"What? Jack, he's in the mental hospital. He did it. No one's trying to get rid of him. We're all going to miss him, but he's got to pay for what he's done."

"No, listen. The end of last year, right? He goes to Iraq. This year? It turns out that he's the serial killer we've been looking for all season."

"All season?"

"Come on, I mean, Booth and Brennan? Beginning of season two – in comes Cam, Goodman disappears. Cam gets between Brennan and Booth. And Sully! And the end of season one, Brennan's mother and her father calls and then nothing for months!"

"Seasons? Jack, slow down. You're not making any sense."

"No, everything's finally making sense, don't you see? Christmas, the first season. I mean, who gets locked inside because of biological contamination?"

"You've been under a lot of stress lately. We all have."

"Angela, we're living in a tv show."

"What?" she laughed.

"No, just think about it for a second. The way our cases go. And – and the characters! A paranoid conspiracy theorist, a Vulcan, a crazy-inappropriate artist, a stodgy blue-collar cop, Brennan, Cam."

"Things did get kinda slow during the writer's strike."

"Yeah. And your marriage thing."

"You don't think they'll break us up, do you?"

"They better not!"

"They wouldn't, would they? I mean, we're not Grey's Anatomy."

"No, they won't. The fans can't be happy about losing Zach. They couldn't break us up too."

"You think people like us?"

"You think they don't?"

"They must. That's kinda hot." She grinned.

"We can't let Brennan and Booth get together." Hodgins realized.

"Why not?"

"Series always end when the two main characters get together."

"Not always."

"Are you willing to bet your life in perpetual re-runs?"

"But what kind of friend would I be if I don't want my best friend to be happy?"

"But see, they wouldn't get to just exist as a couple happily. The writers would always be poking at them, even if the show kept going. There would be exes from the past stirring up old flames and previously unknown children and unwanted pregnancies and huge fights and break-ups and people dying but not really."

"One Life to Live?"

"Alias. I mean, who gets shot in the chest like 100 times and lives?" Hodgins started to get worked up about it.

"Focus, Jack. Previously unknown children? Booth? He proposed to Rebecca, and he's a pretty monogamous guy. I just don't see mystery children popping up."

"Luke's got a kid."

"Gilmore Girls? You're so whipped."

"I am not. It's funny. I watch it for the sarcasm. Anyway, maybe the children are Brennan's."

"And what, she was brainwashed to forget the pregnancy and labour?"

"Maybe nieces and nephews."

"So, what, they'll kill off Russ?" she said sceptically.

"Shh!" he covered her mouth in panic. "Don't give them ideas." He whispered it.

"Jack, who do you think is writing this?"

"They couldn't put this on tv."

"Fanfiction."

"Yeah. That's true. Hey! I bet there's tons of fanfiction about Booth and Brennan getting together. There are probably a billion alternate versions of episodes where they declare their love for each other."

"I wonder who says it first?"

"Booth. Definitely."

"I don't know. I think it's one of those he comes ninety and she comes ten things."

"Yeah? Maybe."

"Oh, but Jack! There's probably lots of angsty stories. Booth dies or Brennan dies or – you die."

"But I'm not dead, am I?"

"No, but Zach is."

"What?"

"Well, for all intents and purposes. You know, I'm Brennan's best friend. And Booth and Brennan are the show. But you – half of your stuff was your geeky interactions with Zach."

"You don't think they'd write me out?"

"They'd better not! They made me able to spit with deadly accuracy!"

"Hey! You writers! You leave us alone!"

"Yeah! And that goes for Brennan and Booth and all you fanfiction writers too!"

"Yeah! And you touch Parker – I mean even make him sick or kidnapped or something – and we'll tell Booth and Brennan and they'll hunt you down!"

"And bring Dr. Goodman back!"

"What's going on in here?" Cam stuck her head in, a quizzical expression on her face.

"Nothing." They both answered quickly.

"Right. Back to work then, okay?"

"She can go." Hodgins whispered to the ceiling.

"But don't make her die. Just get another job somewhere." Angela added. "Please." Hodgins went back to his work station, because even if he didn't think Cam could fire him, she could still make his life pretty uncomfortable. Angela checked that there was no one hovering outside her door and then looked back up at the ceiling. "And can I have a pony?"


	2. Chapter 2

This is _not _going to become a chaptered story (I don't think). It just happened because in the first chapter, they talk about being broken up, and this just popped into my head because I am mad! It's pretty rough still but I'm going to post it anyway because I don't want to have to rework it to include tonight's episode. If they finally deal with the breakup, I'm scuttled. Enjoy.

"Can you believe that they broke us up?" Angela asked Hodgins when he walked into her room.

"No! This sucks, man! First I lose my best friend to a psychotic serial killer, and then I lose my fiancée to some clichéd 'you're the one not stopping me' line." He threw down the file he'd been bringing her to gesticulate wildly with his hands.

"And today they didn't even deal with it! How can they not deal with it? They just ignored it. We were working together like it was season one and nothing had happened yet! My hair is so much better than it was in season one!"

"I know! A week ago, Cam was scared we were going to have sex in the lab, and now we can work together without any sort of weirdness. There was weirdness after our first date."

"Yeah! I called Brennan at the end of the season premiere, all upset, saying I'd just broken up with you and I needed to talk to her – we didn't even have that conversation!"

"It's disgraceful!"

"Brennan might be a bit of a robot sometimes, but she is a way better friend than that!"

"And I still love you!" Hodgins stomped his foot.

"I still love you too!"

"This is fanfiction again." Hodgins said, moving closer.

"Then it's good fanfiction. Anyway, beggars can't be choosers."

"Do you think there are security cameras is fanfiction?"

"I hope not. I'm pretty sure this isn't the wildest thing we've done in fanfiction." They both smiled and then kissed.

"Does it creep you out at all that someone's writing this?" Hodgins pulled away to ask.

"Our entire lives are written! At least the fanfic writers are nice. Although I never got my pony." A chestnut with a white star ambled into the room.

"Oh my god he's so beautiful!" Angela grinned.

"Can he be beautiful at my house?"

"Oh. Right. Um?" she looked at the ceiling hopefully.

"Little help?" Hodgins said. The horse disappeared. "Thank you."

"Where were we?" Angela asked.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: This chapter just sort of happened, but I think it's less funny and more serious than the others, and because of that, I think it really, truly, seriously this time, will be the final installment.

"Have you noticed that Booth and Brennan are getting closer lately?" Hodgins asked, rushing into Angela's office with a quick look around to see if anyone else was around.

"Yeah. You don't think that they're getting ready to – end us – do you?" Angela asked.

"No. I mean, we're still broken up. They have to get us back together, right? I mean, we can sort of talk to each other, but you're still with the artist chick and I think I deserve at least one love interest before we get back together. I mean, you had what's-his-face the artist dude. Even Zach had Naomi. Maybe." Hodgins made a face as he tried to remember. It was disturbing when he tried to think about things that the writers hadn't told him. He hadn't even realized that the blanks were there until his realization that he existed as a character on a tv show, and it was a sickening feeling when he ran into one.

"That was kind of random, wasn't it? I mean, were they seeing each other since season one? Or did she just need somebody who slavishly adored her to be the back end of her cow costume?" Angela wondered.

"Off-topic. I just wanted to get your opinion on the whole Booth/Brennan thing. I'll go now."

"Wait! We always hook up in these stories where we're self-aware." Angela came around her desk toward him.

"I don't know. It's weird now that you're with the artist-chick."

"But you know that it's not me, it's just the way the stupid writers are melting down."

"But you're a fictional character. How do you have feelings contrary to what the writers write?"

"You're so not a writer. Characters can be very stubborn sometimes. No matter what you want them to do, unless they want to … it just feels wrong. And Roxy feels wrong to me. Don't make that dirty."

"I'm sorry – fictional character?" Cam broke into their touching moment, almost-kiss, leaning against the doorway. They both froze, looked at her, looked at each other.

"She deserves to know." Angela shrugged.

"Were you happy to find out?" Hodgins asked.

"It's the truth. She should know." Angela said, pointedly not answering his question. Hodgins briefly outlined what he had realized almost a year ago to Cam. It took both of them several minutes to convince her. Finally she came around as she searched her memory and hit the same blanks that gave Hodgins the sick feeling.

"So they brought me in at the beginning of Season two to serve as a foil for Booth and Brennan."

"Then you almost died." Angela pointed out.

"I bet I was supposed to die then. The fans must have loved me!" Cam smiled, pumped.

Hodgins and Angela snorted in disbelief.

"You don't think so?" Cam asked.

"You were the foil for Brennan and Booth. I think if they could have killed you, they would have."

"Ouch."

"Truth hurts, baby. Sorry." Hodgins said.

"They should be grateful! If Booth and Brennan get together, the show will probably end. The show will probably end. Oh no! Do you have a plan?"

"A plan?" Angela asked.

"To break them up." Cam nodded.

"That's evil!" Angela said indignantly.

"Evil genius." Hodgins grinned. "Break up Booth and Brennan under the noses of the writers who literally control our lives? I'm so in. After that we can break Zach out!"

"He doesn't need our help for that." Cam said.

"He needs us to make it legitimate."

"Falsifying evidence?" Angela planted her hands on her hips.

"It's fictional!"

"Problem at hand, people." Cam refocused their attention.

"Well, can't you just hook up with Booth?" Hodgins asked.

"That is so over! We already tried it twice," Cam shook her head.

"Third time's a charm!" Hodgins said encouragingly.

"No. No, it's not. There is nothing left there except buddy-buddy, two cops in a room full of squints stuff. Have you not noticed how completely non-threatening I am lately? Or how, every time Booth and I are together, I assure the audience that it's only as friends? No, here's what we do. You get Booth to go out for drinks."

"We don't really do that." He shook his head. "At all. Ever."

"Oh, come on. Be all, 'Angela's dating a girl and I'm still in love with her' and he'll take you out to get you back into the swing of things."

"I will have you know that I went on a date the other night!" Hodgins insisted.

"The whole conversation was kind of forced and fake and I-want-you-back, though." Angela admitted.

"Hey!"

"From my end too!" she assured him.

"Just do it. Hook Booth up with someone."

"What about Brennan?" he asked sulkily.

"That's a job for girls." She said, dismissing him.

"You take the fun out of everything!" he said, leaving.

"Are you even sure we can do everything? I mean, the writers do control our lives." Angela asked.

"We have to try." Cam insisted. "Now, for Brennan – could you, I don't know – hook up with her?"

"What?"

"Because that would take _years_ to properly deal with the fallout."

"Brennan is firmly heterosexual."

"Have you ever tried?"

"So not your business, but no. We're friends. I so did not think I'd have to have this conversation with another woman. I mean a guy, yeah, but you? Frankly, I'm disappointed."

"So, Plan B. Girls night out. Get her out-of-her-mind drunk and with any luck, pregnant."

"What?"

"I don't hear you piping in with any ideas."

"I don't think hooking Brennan up with someone else is any way to stop this. The only way," she broke off.

"What?"

"Well – to make her feel like Booth betrayed her. But that's where I draw the line. Besides, they're never in relationships at the same time. If we hook Brennan up with someone, it'll make the success of Hodgins' plan way less likely. And Brennan has been having physical flings with guys while having, for all intents and purposes, an emotional relationship with Booth, for years. I mean, unless Sully comes back," she broke off, eyes widening.

"I'll make some calls." Cam said, and rushed out.

"Where'd Hodgins go?" Angela frowned and sulked a little.


End file.
